Not So Good On The 31st

It's day 31 of documenting 2025

This is one of those days, my friend.

When I don't feel like it.

But I have to keep going.

Even if I screw up.

Speaking of screw-up, I didn't do anything right yesterday.

I was moody.

Like really down....tears and all.

A call from a friend cheered me up a little.

And to avoid getting moody again, I distracted myself with a movie series.

I didn't stay up late, either.

Neither did I read Tony's book.

(Apologies if you don't learn anything from this post...)

Right now, I'm wondering if I'm going through an existential crisis.

The thing is, I'm going to be 21 next week.

I wouldn't say I'm excited as I was yesterday.

The excitement quickly got replaced with a realization.

I'm getting older.

(Wiping away tears as I type 😪)

Maybe it's the pressure I put on myself but I feel I'm not doing enough.

I'm not working hard enough.

And I was thinking if my environment is contributing to it. 

I'm the first daughter of my family.

Mom passed away in 2020, a year after I graduated from secondary school.

I didn't go to school as a result of that and I thank God it happened that way.

If not, I wouldn't have discovered my love for writing and the opportunities in marketing as well.

4 years down the line, I'm at home, taking care of the house and my siblings.

The only interaction with the outside world is through my phone.

I've made some cash, reconnected with old friends and made new friends.

I wouldn't say I don't have free time, but my dad wants me to oversee everything at home.

I'm not sure he's going to let me go.

I feel the need, the strong push to move away from where I'm staying.

Like living alone, by myself.

I need a change of environment.

For the last nineteen years, I've been with my family.

I never went to boarding school or stayed away from home. 

Except that one time in high school.

It was an excursion and we returned late from the location.

I had spend the night in the girls hostel.

My point is, I feel like it's time for me to be out on my own.

I understand that my dad is trying to protect me, but I have my own life to live.

Right now, my eyes are blurry from the tears I'm fighting back.

I don't want to cry.

But anytime I think about it, I can't help but feel emotional.

I don't know how my dad will feel about this....because I haven't told him how I feel.

I should, right?

I don't even know what to type anymore....

Let me just share this quote from day 31 of 365 Days With Self-discipline.

Maybe I'll get ideas....

"Every time you feel out of sync with the rest of the world, remember that

there are other people like you. During the challenging times, when’re you’re stumbling, remind yourself that even when you’re failing, you’re still forging your own path, something that the vast majority of people will never do. You can enjoy the fruits of your success in a way that they will never experience, and

that’s why it’s worth it to be exceptional. 

Be exceptional."

If there's anything I truly understand from this quote, it's this:

I feel different.

I fail a lot on trying to avoid distractions, but when I get to work, I lock in.

I'm sometimes concerned about what others would say, especially my dad.

And because of that, I don't follow through on some things I need to.

One time, few weeks back, I saw a glimpse of my future self.

More like, I visualized it.

She was so different from me.

Way better than current me.

And I became scared of her.

(Now you must be thinking I'm a little crazy).

I became scared of not becoming her.

She was more like a queen.

Charismatic and organized.

(Nothing like me, I tell you)

The crisis is trying to show up for everyone but myself.

Being there for everyone but myself.

Not even my friends know what I'm going through.

This war raging in my mind...which I always cover up with a smiling emoji.

Friend: How are you?

Me: I'm doing great 😃 

Lies (except to close friends)

I'm doing terrible.

It seems the only thing I always do right is writing and imagination.

Crafting a story...

Imagining scenes in my head...

Thinking of the perfect word and refining poetry.

Do I need to be social to do that?

Not really.

My life is not perfect, it's just starting.

Although it dawns on me that I'm getting older, I don't feel a day over 16.

(Sigh) The tears have dried.

I'll try to talk to my dad and hear what he's going to say.

I won't wait for him to come back tho....

I'll just chicken out.

Maybe I'll start with a message.

And see how it goes.

Thanks for reading, my friend 😊 

This is probably the most unusual blog post you'll ever read.

For me, I'm simply living each day of 2025, one post at a time.

Let me share a poem I wrote, to end today's post.

See you tomorrow 👋

Tomorrow’s Whisper

Tomorrow knows the secrets we seek,

The map drawn in shadows, paths veiled in mist.

One door creaks open, ancient wood groaning,

While two others slam, echoing loss;

A symphony of chance and change.

Efforts ripple like stones in a restless pond,

Each step, a heartbeat pounding on cobbled dreams.

Tomorrow clutches the key in her silken palm,

A patient sentinel, watching the world spin.

Tonight, he drifts, a ship on a tide of doubt,

Eyes closed but unseeing,

Dreaming of golden tomorrows,

Yet spurning the treasure of Today.

Today, a gift, vibrant and trembling,

Waits at the door with open arms,

Yet he turns away, chasing a phantom horizon,

Where clouds promise silver but hold rain.

The night cradles his hopes in velvet silence,

Stars blink, weary of watching

Another soul forget the magic of the now.

The moon sighs, pale witness to his retreat.

"Tomorrow," he whispers, "tomorrow will be mine."

But the winds murmur truths he won’t hear:

The key glints in the palm of Today,

While Tomorrow, a siren, fades into dusk.

Still, he sleeps, cocooned in waiting,

Lost in the melody of what might be.

But life hums beneath his breath,

A quiet reminder:

The door to forever opens in the present.

Hope you liked this one.

To see more poems like this, check out MysticVerses on Instagram.